Here I sit on my Upper Saint Andrew balcony, sipping on Limeade made from Limes blown to the ground in the most recent Tropical Storm, puffing on a cheap convenience store bought cigar (I'm not a smoker but I love the smell of low grade flavoured tobacco after a long day of work) and tapping away at my computer trying to find some intellectual stimulation amidst the plethora of young flesh telling me to cum their way.
When suddenly....
I am informed that Mariah Carey has decided to record a new Christmas Album and has already released a new single.
What's that Mariah? Trying to stay relevant are we?
I get it. Do what you have to do.
But I cannot help but be even a tiny bit peeved that she decided to record a Christmas Album when she already has a classic Christmas album that no other vocalist can (or would dare to) touch. Her voice is nowhere near its 90s strength or clarity and that has been demonstrated ad nauseam with all of her latest offerings. I don't expect anything nearly as powerful as her near perfect rendition of "O Holy Night", neither do I expect anything as charmingly catchy as her version of "All I Want For Christmas Is You".
What I do expect is busy, over-produced tracks beneath distractingly layered and auto-tuned vocals.
I hope that she would have learnt her lessons from the last stab at singing ballads on her last album and stick to the up-tempo, less vocally challenging ditties with cutesy melodies and clap-appeal.
I'm just glad she's not doing a dance album (like everyone else seems to be doing).
That would probably make me hate my life.
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