Melancholic Musings

I don't think I'll ever get used to the concept of death. The finality of it, the permanence, makes me very uneasy; especially since dead men tell no tales and death, especially under tragic circumstances, usually leaves a lot of unanswered questions that will probably never be satisfied.

I've been fortunate to only have to deal with death sporadically as my family is relatively healthy and long-lived. I usually have a funeral every 7-10 years or so and I'm fine with that. I cry for a little, and spend the rest of my time reflecting on my own mortality and my biggest concern: my legacy.

How will I be remembered?

That is perhaps the major impetus for this blog: Leaving pieces of myself behind for posterity.

When news came to me yesterday that a recently acquired acquaintance was found viciously murdered it hit me like a proverbial tonne of bricks. We were chatting on blackberry messenger early the previous morning as he had promised to come see me at the place of amusement my partner and I operate so we could discuss business, exchange ideas on the entertainment industry, and just shoot the breeze before his return to law school in Barbados two days later. I remember how struck I was by his charm, his unpretentious eloquence, and his leadership potential. He came across like a real class act and I understood his popularity even more.

We were both batch mates at University but never had any reason to speak. Everyone knew him as the big-shot party promoter and student leader so for most, myself included, he was one of those enigmatic spirits on campus that lingered in your psyche long after they graduated.

I think what saddens me the most is that the potential I was so quick to recognize will never be allowed to flourish. We continue to lose the best and brightest in this country and those that remain are silenced or made impotent by nepotism or prejudice.

The scandal surrounding his death emerges from the circumstances under which it happened. Jamaicans have this twisted notion that multiple stab wounds are signs of a so-called "crime of passion" and are therefore indicative of a gay lovers' spat gone awry. As such, little will be done in terms of the investigation of this murder, and his death will be mired in the controversy of it being the consequence of an iniquitous lifestyle .

I don't want to go down like that.

Imagine the grief his family is already experiencing knowing that their prodigiously talented son will never be able to live up to his full potential, and imagine how this grief is exacerbated with the shadow of shame that has been cast on his reputation with the introduction of a gay scandal in this hypocritically conservative nation.

It diminishes the value of his life in the minds of the blindly pious nincompoops that inhabit this rock. It sums up his life in one word that is synonymous with worthlessness: Battyman.

That is a betrayal of the brightness, of the charm, of the charisma, of the business savvy that made him so popular. No matter what kind of rumours were spread about him everyone had to respect him because he was no commoner.

And now it seems as if it were all for nothing.

It seems like such a waste of a life. Who can fill his shoes? Who can offer his unique perspective?

I really don't want to go out like that.

I saved your voice notes to inspire me in the future, and I still cannot close the conversation we were having that morning in the moments before you were taken from us.

Rest In Peace my brother. May we re-connect on the other side.

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Clutch your pearls, chil'ren!

So I think Queens should leave their pearls at home if they decide to grace the world of work with their presence.

There, I said it.

Now before you send the glitterati to assasinate me hear me out for a moment.

I have a serious problem with people that allow their melodramatic interpretation of a personality to supersede their competence to work. I resent the vulgar "look at me" personalities many of us adopt in public which as irony would have it, in my mind, is a means of compensating for an inferiority complex.

Sorta like this....

Bish we know you can sing! Why does your crotch need to light up to prove it?

What does this have to do with anything, you ask?

Well, as my argumentative nature typically dictates, I like to fuck around people to illicit responses from which we can engage in debates and learn from each other. So naturally my interest was piqued when I was informed by a young LGBT activist (a lot seem to be sashaying out from the wood work as of late) of an incident said to have taken place in that enclave of seventh day adventists on the southern plateau.

It is said that a male teacher has been black-listed by one of the town's influential secondary level high school principals who has gone as far as to campaign for his continued exclusion on the grounds that he is "flamboyant and cares less about how his flamboyance affects his students".

Now, having lived in this town, and spent a great deal of time there in my childhood I've come to understand the mindset of these simple, conservative Christians in the hills. Further, having been an identifiably gay business owner in that town I can reasonably conclude that for such an extreme and public stance to be taken about an issue that is seen but not seen, and taboo for discussion,the issue was not merely the perceived gayness of the teacher, but moreso the spectacle he makes of himself much to the despair of administrators, parents, and students.

Occasionally I like to pretend I am a psychologist (or an Obeah man, depending on how much white rum I've imbibed) and in that state of heightened intuition this is how I imagine he sees himself in the mirror

while the rest of the world sees this

Now I will defend anyone's right to be as flamboyant as their hormones tell them to be. However, I think it's better to be a working identifiably gay man (albeit restrained) than an unemployed drag queen. Lace front wigs aint cheap, sista man!

Many have already labelled me a hypocrite because they say I am unable to empathize with those that simply cannot contain their effervescent femininity.

They are like an aerosol can of glitter and sprinkles and I am like a big can of blah.

I'll take that. Maybe I am in fact just a prude trying to impose my conservative values on those with innate fabulosity of whom I am intensely jealous.....but at least I have a job.

And this has nothing to do with those that are gender non-specific, this is not transphobia. This has to do with the refusal of many members of the post-stonewall generation of gays to adjust their concepts of self in order to survive in a world that is not yet all-embracing.

Is it internalized homophobia for me to suggest that some of us tone it down just a tad so society doesn't perceive us as obnoxious drama queens, or spectacles of mental instability?

Freedom isn't free, and perhaps some of us will have to sacrifice our beloved pearls so that we can get a salary that will allow us to wear Lace Fronts and Louboutins.

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Five Things About HIV (They're Not Telling You)

Came upon this and found it interesting so thought I'd share.

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The gift and the curse

Thoughts inspired by a friend's musings on the lonely lives led by many gifted persons....

Very often people fall for the spark they see within you that they may even secretly wish they had for themselves. They may pretend the attraction is merely superficial but it may in fact be a deeper spiritual fascination that revolves around a unique characteristic that is beyond both of your understandings: The Gift.

It may be your intellect, your creativity, your artistic inclination, your eloquence, whatever. The fact is, these gifts are appendages, not the core of the person.

With time the real person is seen and not just the bearer of the gift, but the soul to which the gift is attached.

This is the point where one must consider whether for example, they truly love the pastor as a whole, whether they are in love with his gift of evangelism, or whether they were simply in love with the idea of being the pastor's wife.

© 2011 Brian-Paul Welsh

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Morality Wars

In light of this story coming out of England where a gay couple successfully prosecuted discriminatory hotel owners for their refusal to accommodate them in their establishment because they found it offensive to their Christian faith, I am left with a lot to think about.

Are bigots entitled to their stupidity?

Will fines, prison time, public scorn etc diminish or embolden their hatred?

I'm not so sure anymore.

In the words of the judge who presided over the case, Andrew Rutherford:

"It is clearly, in my view, the case that each side hold perfectly honourable and respectable, albeit wholly contrary, views."

As you can see even the judge who committed to uphold the law in respect of the protection of the rights of the vulnerable and fostering the development of an inclusive society, struggled with the facts of this case.

Is the Christian couple entitled to their bigotry?

I believe so, as long as it does not infringe on the rights of another. But, in this instance where their prejudice is obviously contrary to the laws of the land as they explicitly preclude a class of people (non-christian heathens I suppose) from using the service they offer, how do they rationalize their right to discriminate (yes it is their RIGHT afterall) with the law against homophobia?

Discrimination in and of itself is not immoral or unlawful for that matter. It is simply telling like from unlike, and we all do it every day of our lives.

The issue arises where one's dislike for a particular thing, or person, leads to mean-spirited acts or ill will.

Now that this couple has won the battle, how will the war turn out?

I fear a Pyrrhic victory where the movement succeeds in getting the rights its constituents deserve but in the wake of this overwhelming success will be a deap-seated resentment that will linger for years to come.

The militancy of the rights movement may be its most unfortunate legacy.

I sympathize with the Christian hotel owners. They are certainly naively pious in their views, as they say they also refuse men who want to rent rooms with their mistresses, as well as young heterosexual fornicators, so to their credit they are at least equal opportunity bigots.

Their argument is that they live in the hotel as well and as such they have the right to refuse entry to anyone into their private abode. A reasonable argument in as much as I find it repugnant.

If someone wants nothing to do with me, that offers little motivation for me to force myself upon them. I'd much rather leave them to their puerile devices and find someone more accommodating.

But I wonder if this move to prosecuting the homophobes, as altruistic as it is, will be for the general greater good of LGBT people worldwide, or if it will build on the resentment heterosexual people have for the movement.

How do you win?

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Duvalier detained....what next?

A relatively gaunt Baby Doc Duvalier mysteriously appeared on the eve of the silver anniversary of his dramatic departure from Haiti. The self-appointed "President for Life" feigned his best sheepish posture and made his way (under UN guard) to a hotel in the posh hills of Petion Ville where he promised a press conference to explain his surprise return.

An exiled former dictator cannot just hop on a plane and appear in a country for which he can be tried for war crimes without some sort of diplomatic intervention, and probable promises of protection/amnesty.

Did Rene Preval really lure Duvalier back to Haiti to have him tried for his crimes?

I don't think Preval is that benevolent, and neither do I think Duvalier is as stupid as he looks.

As we say in Jamaica "supn inna supn" (something suspicious is afoot), and it would appear that one of my favourite women in the world (and I mean that) journalist Michele Montas of Radio Haiti, widow of Jean Dominique, activist and subject of the most powerful documentary I've ever watched "The Agronomist", saw the potential for the corruption to continue and rallied the troops to block this travesty of justice.

I really believe that Preval allowed Duvalier to return as a weapon of mass distraction to heighten confusion in this election period. He'd likely throw his weight behind Preval's candidate (ironically), or announce his own intentions to vie for the Presidency. Complete chaos would ensue with the international community up in arms and the streets of Port-Au-Prince once more transformed into a post-apocalyptic scene (as if it can get any worse) of furiously burning tyres, blocked streets, and clashes with UN troops. No one knowing any more than the other about what this all means.

It is still unclear what Duvalier's detention, passport seizure, release, and charges of theft and misappropriation of funds will really mean within the context of the impotent Haitian justice system.

Does anyone in Haiti besides a few older influential idealists like Michele Montas, or powerless and scarred victims of Baby Doc's tyranny, really care or understand the historical significance of his reign, departure and return?

Is justice a dish best served cold....as in 25 years cold?

In Jamaica we have grown largely cynical about this sort of thing and many are waiting for the announcement of his exoneration on some silly technicality that reeks of corruption. Shortly after which he will once more disappear for France and return to obscurity, leaving a few dozen dead and maimed in his wake, and it would have all been for nought.

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Baby Doc has returned to Haiti

Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier, scion of the maniacal despot Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier, has just returned to Haiti after almost exactly 25 years of exile. He was extracted by the US (though Edward Seaga, Jamaica's Prime Minister at the time, takes credit for his government's central role in these arrangements in this eloquent excerpt from his autobiography) and sent to France where he has spent much of his time skiing in the alps and in court fighting Swiss banks for the millions of US dollars he and his family siphoned from the Haitian treasury during their time in power.

Duvalier was the impish son of the iron-fisted dictator Papa Doc who is said to have galvanized his grip on the nation with supernatural forces that included a gang of voodoo priests as well as the real life boogey men, his personal militia the Tonton Macoutes.

The macoutes were supposedly trained by US special forces and their sole mission was to terrorize poor black people into submission to the Duvaliers and by extension the wealthy elite.

Baby Doc's ascension was the definition of vulgar nepotism as he simply inherited the presidency when his father died. No one had the clout to oppose the installation of a 19yo buffoon as the President of their country as his father had already set up the mechanism by which to dispose of dissenters. It was a classic dictatorship.

It was business as usual for Jean-Claude. He didn't really do much in the way of improving his father's system of brutality, in fact if anything it became more primitive as he lacked his father's political savvy and charm. It was a simple agenda to break the backs of the opposition to his boyish mistakes and clumsy leadership so as to maintain his power

So Why has Duvalier returned, and why now?

That is the question on everyone's lips.

Is Aristide the next to return?

This is certainly an interesting time in Haitian history.

Stanley Lucas has offered a very enlightening perspective on this debacle.

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Premonition of doom?

I would be remiss if I did not mention that I've noticed an increasingly, and less subliminal, homophobic tone creeping back into radio, barely one quarter after the Broadcast Commission stepped up efforts to clean up the airwaves.

Certain radio DJs that I've come to expect it from started out the year a bit subdued in their hostility as it relates to musical selection and the personal commentary they typically inject into their broadcasts but as the weeks have gone by and the new songs have been released I've noticed a new boldness in homophobic lyrics as well as a seeming resistance of station managers to either edit these references out, or demand different versions of the song as stipulated by the broadcast commission in the first place. There is inconsistency at the stations as one DJ will play an obviously radio friendly version of the song at one slot, and then his colleague will play another later in the day. Granted, to be fair it has not been outright fire and brimstone as in years gone by, but for some reason the hostility is starting up again.

Examples:

That last I-Octane song is getting HEAVY rotation lately, with ZJ ICE choosing to mix it with the intro to Buju Banton's infamous "Boom Bye Bye" one night while listening to Zip 103, and then pausing the track to chime in with his own short but stinging commentary which made his agreement with the sentiment 100% clear.

ZJ Liquid has also done similar things and today I was surprised to hear Arif Cooper playing the same game...yes Arif Cooper who is married to the station manager of FAME FM, a station that despite a few flubs has gained a reputation for being more mature and less inclined to cater to the base elements. I was certainly surprised.

I'm watching these developments and really hope it will not descend into the stupidity of times past because the music industry and radio scene were just beginning to get more enjoyable.

I guess we should never take it for granted that homophobia is on the decline, and also we should never forget that in this music-obsessed culture the disc jockey is a powerful gatekeeper wielding tremendous influence as a kind of charismatic preacher of cultural values.

Lest we forget...homophobia is NOT dead.

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Broadening the axis of evil

I've touched on the topic of the AIDS Pandemic and the inneffective prevention campaigns in its 30 year span many times before. There's this article, then this one, oh and this as well. I've discussed it ad nauseam.

However today someone shared this article with me and it moved me in more ways than one.

It is written by Larry Kramer, the disillusioned founder of the Gay Men's Health Crisis, author and LGBT rights activist from before most of my readers were a stain in their daddy's tighty whities.

Larry Kramer is the Bill Cosby of the gay community in the west: The Glitterati's elder statesman.

He has been accused of having great contempt for the young twinks that twirl the streets of NY and other major cities, post-coital from a tryst in the club bathroom stall, high on party drugs, and with highly active man-seeking accounts online. He doesn't mince words about how he feels young gays have wasted the gift he and other activists have given them. This hedonistic lifestyle is among the reasons that the spread of HIV and AIDS will not be curbed, in his estimation. Of course his other reasons speak more to institutionalized homophobia and a bureaucratic campaign to eliminate the undesirables, but the influence of the gay man on his own mortality should not be understated.

One of his critics, Richard Kim, had this succint critique of Kramer:

"He recycles the kind of harangues about gay men (and young gay men in particular) that institutions like the Times so love to print -- that they are buffoonish, disengaged Peter Pans dancing, drugging and fucking their lives away while the world and the disco burn down around them."

While I would not disagree with Kim's view, I think there is much truth to this caricatured representation.

Kramer knows what he's talking about. He was there in the beginning before this "thing" even had a name, and before its moniker was politically corrected so as not to identify the group most vulnerable to its lethal touch. He admittedly is no stranger to the peen and probably got and gave many blowjobs in those steamy bathhouses... this was the 70s after all.

Therefore I think his opinion matters as he has a broader perspective than most and as much as it may be slightly tinged with cynicism and he may come across as quite jaded, can you blame him?

That Kramer believes that HIV and AIDS have been allowed to continue almost unabated is not shocking to me. I have long been disenchanted with the prevention message and also with the attitudes of those most vulnerable in these serious times. That it was a deliberate move to eradicate unwanted populations may be a bit of a stretch for me but evil should never be underestimated.

Assuming there is any truth to what he asserts (and he has yet to be discredited, strangely) what does that mean for the entire AIDS movement?

Sure they'll call him a lunatic, but will anyone actively engage with his points of view?

Failure to do so gives them validity and broadens the axis of evil to include the do-gooders many of us so often eulogize.

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Freedom at what cost?

I've touched on this topic before but every once in a while something brings it to the fore of my mind once more.

I believe it was one young advocate who in his zeal and frustration at my growing cynicism with the current 'leadership' of the 'movement' and dismissal of his militant approach to social change, made it clear that the cowards would have to leave their comfort zone and join the brave soldiers on the front line, and that like Stonewall, some would probably have to die in order to achieve the changes we all want to see.

Really? It's like that?

No longer seeing myself as the cog that turned the wheels of advocacy has changed my perspective a great deal. In fact in many respects I now liken my past incarnation to a hamster on a jogging wheel. That wheel sure squeaks loudly but the Hamster isn't advancing despite how furiously it is working.

This is the section of the Offenses Against the Persons Act that outlaws anal sex and that many say legitimizes homophobic intolerance.

The law is repugnant in any modern democracy, but I am not sure the average bitter heterosexual is knowledgeable or concerned with the legality of the act in the eyes of the state as they are with the morality of the act in the eyes of God.

If someone accosts you on the streets of downtown Kingston for being identifiably gay they are not doing so because they want to make a citizens' arrest and present you to the nearest magistrate. They want to beat the shit out of you because Moses says "their blood shall surely be upon them" and so the 2x4 used to beat the battyman to a bloody pulp is the rod of correction as ordained by the God of Abraham!

I am a gay business owner in one of Kingston's busiest distircts. I know they know I'm gay. I walk undisturbed despite the whispers I hear on occasion when I pass or the curious stares I notice when I arrive.

By and large I've come to understand that Jamaicans are not irrational homophobes that enjoy the amusement of killing battyman as some sort of bloodsport.

I believe Jamaicans are remarkably tolerant, but to a point.

I'm serious, Shebby!

Didn't we meet up the other night at that restaurant when you were in that yellow knickers, red tank top (read blouse) and platinum soul glo curls?

Sure they looked, but they wouldn't dare touch!

I believe Jamaican advocates have to chart their own course that takes into consideration Jamaica's cultural idiosyncrasies. We are a contradictory people with a contrary moral code that usually defies the loud evangelism you'll hear on the streets.

The gangs of young butches and young queens that traverse Half Way Tree and Downtown Kingston every day do not go unnoticed. People know exactly what and who they are and by and large leave them to their own devices. Sure, every once in a while you'll hear a shout of "sodomite!" or "battyman!" after the group has passed, but the witch-hunting mobs of yore apparently have better things to do.

I think we have to thank persons like Ragashanti for being one of the most vocal advocates of this nouveau "do your thing, I do mine" approach to homosexuality.

It takes someone such as Raga to influence the minds of ordinary Jamaican that resents the big-stick political activism that typifies the LGBT movement in the US.

Jamaicans don't want to see marches and pride flags and to hear shouts of "we're here, we're queer, get used to it!"

I believe they are much more content to leave you to your space as long as you are classy within that space.

Progress will have the occasional retrograde step on either side of the political divide, but you can't stop progress once it has already built up momentum and I believe that momentum toward a more tolerant Jamaica is building and that the ordinary Jamaican deserves just as much (if not more) credit than the typical advocates for social change because it is he that is on the ground dealing with differences in lifestyle and opinion that lead to conflict while the advocate is in the air on the way to a conference to discuss the same old shit or in an office, oblivious to sentiments on the ground with the lumpen.

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Dumbass Jamaican of the day...

This is the PSA to end all PSAs.

In other news: Water is indeed wet and tends to make surfaces slippery. That is all for now.

Le fuq???????

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Men of the Cloth pt 2

Pious deeds

He shakes my hand while looking deep within me. It’s like he’s trying to tell me something subconsciously that he would never dare utter from his mouth.

I’m not used to that kind of lingering eye contact. My eyes are usually glued to my shoes as I walk except for the times I have to feign the confidence of a mogul for business purposes.

His handshake is firm, and manly, like his hands: just rough enough.

His smile is sincere and comforting and by force of habit I find myself staring at his mouth and not his eyes. He has nice lips.

His laugh is a familiar chortle: The kind of laughter that passes freely through all my walls.

His laughter is contagious and I let myself go.

We stand there for a moment,

Not caring about what’s going on around us.

Hands still entwined,

Our eyes dancing through each other’s minds,

His crucifix in his pocket by his heart,

And my heart in my throat.

© 2010 Brian-Paul Welsh

My last post on gay men that serve the Christian church got me more responses than I'm used to from a wide cross section of people that had different experiences with and opinions on the topic.

Some were vehemently opposed to gay men taking up positions of leadership in the church as a principle because they believe it is an inherent and undeniable deception that corrupted the core of their oath to serve the church and its congregation. It was the first lie that snowballed into a deeper spiritual deception that negated their moral authority. They feel that such men should either find churches that are more embracing of alternative sexualities, or just be regular members and worship like the rest of us. Part of me suspected some deeper internalized homophobia attached to that position where subconsciously they believe their homosexuality is some sort of unpurgeable spiritual malady that precludes the person burdened with it from assuming any type of leadership role lest it be discovered that they love the peen as much as they love the Lord.

Others agreed that homosexuality should not disallow one from assuming a leadership role in the church with one friend relating an anecdote of an encounter he had with an older, straight, priest. The priest said the real problem people have with gay priests/pastors is that "they're so damn good and that intimidates a lot of people". I can totally understand where he's coming from with that position. Gay men are the most zealous, spiritually connected, articulate, charismatic and expressive religious leaders one could find. Why do you think it's always the loony closet cases that are at the forefront of the anti-gay evangelical movement? They get shit done, and very well at that! Take it from me, the borderline agnostic, you haven't felt moved by spiritual rhetoric until it comes off the tongue of a gay priest/pastor: Proselytization has never felt so good! And therein lies the danger. Predatory priests (pardon the alliteration) will literally charm the pants off you. Yes, Bishop Eddie Long, I'm talking about you.

Many of these spiritual leaders are the personification of the great deceiver that they warn about in their sermons. The devil is in their eyes, and I have seen it.

But what of those that have the calling to serve and that do have a tremendous spiritual gift that ought to be shared and who are a genuine conduit for a higher understanding but who by circumstance are part of organizations that would want nothing to do with them should their sexual proclivities be discovered?

Are they to forever live in secrecy, experiencing juvenile sexual relationships with passers by, never able to mature romantically so as to be able to speak from experience when they counsel parishioners on their own relationship problems?

Are they to do what is expected of them and enter marriages with naive women whose life long dreams have always been to marry a preacher no matter how 'polished' he may be?

Or would it be better for them to leave these institutions of hate, no matter the inconvenience this may cause, and in honesty and sincerity enter houses of faith that embrace all of God's creations from every colour of the rainbow?

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Nicki Minaj on Ellen 1/10/11

She looks like she just took the training wheels off her new derrière, but in spite of this she still delivered a very good performance of one of my fav tracks off her new album.

Be on the look out for the official video for this song where she teams up with Drizzy Drake...

- Drake (File Photo)

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In other irrelevant news...

So apparently Omarion has come out as a "proud bisexual" according to a very suspicious public statement that just his the innanets, and only picked up by the dregs of the gossip world. Shit, not even TMZ or Mediatakeout have taken this one up yet.

Not that I doubt that Omari swings like a pendulum along the Kinsey scale, it's just that this "official release" is more suspect than Ciara's birth certificate saying "female".

Update:

She says she loves las damas!

And there you have it!

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Men of the cloth

A very strange trend began to emerge toward the end of last year: I began to attract pastors...and not for Bible study.

Sorry Maxwell and Aubrey, it's not funny.

At the moment I have at least 3 suitors that lead or are part of the leadership team for Christian congregations in Jamaica. These aren't your typical snake, pervert preachers either.

They are charming, spiritually grounded, sophisticated, intelligent, and above all honest (I actually typed attractive first and deleted it so as not to seem shallow LOL).

Their honesty about their romantic interest doesn't extend beyond themselves, and of course the object of their affection, but they are honest nonetheless. I understand how much they have to lose should full disclosure be their new modus operandi and so I can forgive their discretion with their flock.

Is (open) male homosexuality anathema to the Christian church? Redundant question, I know, but seeing it in front of me forces me to engage the issue and not dismiss it out of cynicism.

Can a priest or preacher lead his flock while drawing inspiration from the euphoric experience of my cock?

Forgive my vulgarity (I'm usually so genteel, I swear!) but you know that's where your mind goes the moment you think of male homosexuality.

The act is more prominent than the spiritual connection of two males.

And for me, with these men in particular, it is the spiritual connection which is more intriguing to me. My fascination with the Law of Attraction and my aversion to the idea of mere coincidences makes me inclined to believe that it is my yearning for deeper spiritual and intellectual stimulation which has allowed these kindred spirits to manifest themselves in my life at this point along my journey.

I am dissatisfied with how things are going, my own personal and intellectual development, and have a desire for more and as a result I am presented with choices. Portals that I can choose to enter or continue along the corridor I have been ambling along for the past season of my life.

I realize that I am not indecisive, just stubborn. Obstinate to the point of self-sacrifice so as not to upset the relative peace I am content to have found.

I would hate to become one of those serial monogamists that flits from relationship to relationship because a better opportunity or more interesting person appears in their life. I like very much the idea of stability and long-term happiness that I believe can be achieved from determination and working on it with your partner.

But what do you do when you meet someone that solely encapsulates everything you could ever desire in another and that makes your partner seem.... obsolete?

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My Princess Boy

I hesitated to comment on this because I wanted to make sure I was sufficiently sensitive and understanding of the issues at hand.

It's very easy to come across as callous and ignorant when one gives an opinion on something as delicate as gender identity and parenting.

I am fortunate to have a mother whose profession as an educator exposed her to child psychology and progressive parenting practices that her peers would not have understood at the time. Therefore my pre-tween request for a doll to play with didn't result in bruised butt cheeks and a deflated ego but a black barbie, hair clips, and wardrobe. I knew at the age of 8 that my interests in females were more sartorial than sexual and that my juvenile OCD made me want to comb her synthetic locks till they could get no straighter, then do it again.

After about a week I tired of the doll and didn't ask for another, but I know this gave my parents a shock and as much as my mother put on her best clinical performance I'm sure both my parents went through emotions I can only now begin to comprehend as in the brutally homophobic 1990s Jamaica they had their own little princess boy just beginning to grow his fairy wings.

I could never have adorned myself in my mother's jewelery, heels and frocks and sashayed into my largely working class community and expected sympathy, sensitivity, or even tolerance. That show would have to be farcical... and private, as in for my own amusement when nobody was home.

I often wonder whether my largely conservative, wall-flower-like disposition is the result of ridicule from my peers in high school for a persona that did not fit into the strict confines of a masculinity that they themselves did not understand and were at pains to define much less express. Most people can't read me and are quicker to classify me by perceived social class than in terms of sexuality. Meaning, because of how I carry myself, speak etc they are more likely to think of me in terms of the wealthy background they perceive I belong to rather than the men whose bodies I wish to envelope my own.

The questions that cannot be answered for now as it relates to Dyson the Princess Boy include whether his apparently burgeoning gender dysphoria will be part of his teenage or adult persona; whether these videos will cause him great humiliation in the years to come if this is indeed just a phase of self expression and experimentation that he is just passing through; whether his knack for all things fabulous has any relation to where he falls on the sexual continuum; and finally whether this supposed hands off attitude is truly so, and not facilitating the very confusion that so shocked his mother upon her discovery of it.

Do children need to be told what type of clothes are appropriate for their sex, or are we moving toward a genderless society?

Is there any use for gender in the modern world?

Is it homophobic to tell a boy to wear pants and a girl to wear a dress at the age when identity is imprinted?

Many things to ask, most of which cannot be answered by any one person.

Life surely is a fascinating experience.

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If you ever had any doubt...

that Gucci Mane was the ashyest nigga alive then please watch this video:

User beware: contains extreme ratchetness

For those (like myself) that believe he ought to be forcibly submerged into a vat of cocoa butter and made to remain indefinitely this video does not come as any great surprise.

This is my nightmare for the post-apocalyptic negro. *weeps*

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Man ah Man!

The other night I had the (dis)pleasure of being in the company of 5 of Kingston's butchest young butches for about an hour. If butchness were a virus my feeble, effete frame would be catatonic just from exposure. They were that serious.

The occasion was closing time at one of Kingston's popular entertainment spots frequented by the LGBT community and as fate would have it I felt the urge to put on my anthropologist hat (I wear several hats, crowns, and tiaras these days).

What I witnessed was fascinating to me, but I imagine it would have also been highly disturbing to the uninitiated. These psuedo-men were parroting the lingo, posture, and attitude of the most misogynistic dancehall personas. They loudly and quite explicitly described their sexual exploits, physical discipline of their girlfriends, knife fights with rivals, and personal philosophies on how girls think and how ought to be treated.

It was obvious to me that they (as women ironically) had not escaped the hegemony of Jamaican manhood but further, that the masculine role models they were emulating were the very misogynistic and homophobic dancehall artists that call fire and brimstone on their heads and would likely justify corrective rape as just recompense for their abandonment of the feminine gift.

Anyway, long story short they were disgustingly vulgar, crude, disrespectful, and I felt ashamed that the quality they held most sacred and did their best to portray was one that is innate to me as a male.

I felt like I was in a house with trick mirrors that exaggerate your worst features.

This caricatured impression of gender as adopted by the opposite sex is not unique to lesbians. Gay men have long been accused of adopting the most negative aspects of femininity and holding them as identifying qualities for male homosexuality.

The sassy queen typifies the gay stereotype.

This was a necessary experience for me in order to put my own gender identity in context and I expect further discourse on this topic in the weeks and months to come.

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Addi di teacher

Vybz Kartel certainly is an interesting character...

Every point he has made in relation to the attention he has been receiving from the police apparently as a result of his dispute with STING promoter Isaiah Laing is stinging and needs a full investigation by the top rank of the force.

These breaches are indisputable, and I will defend the rights of Vybz Kartel as a citizen of this country to move freely, and to conduct his business as long as he is not operating outside of the ambit of law. He may be crude and vulgar, but it is his right to be so.

My defense of Kartel is especially poignant within the context that as a gay man I am no stranger to harassment by abusive members of the police force, though to be truthful I have thus far lived vicariously through actual victims.

"What kind of country is this?" is a question that is being asked far too often and ought to be eliminated as we step into modernity.

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Get 'em Breezy!

So..... after taking a quick trip to Ibiza (ee-bee-tha) and returning with glitter galore Breezy has returned to his niggatude with a new urban single:

Look At Me Now by grapejuicy

In short: It goes hard!

Not only is his swag infectious but the beat has my behind going epileptic.

I'm curious to see the direction of the new album.

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Kanye West's "Monster" Video has leaked

And like any good virus it is predatory (in this instance to my sensibilities) and sinister (in its contempt for good taste and creative expression).

I really just can't with this video.

This song contains a 4 minute introduction (thanks to my future baby fada Rozay, Yeezy, and Joe Camel) to the verse of Nicki Minaj's career. The least he coulda done was come up with a treatment even remotely entertaining leading up to Nicki's greatness!

sigh

Well he has a video with Kim Kardashian out next....

Yes you read that right.

Please put your side eyes to charge from now.

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Giving credit where it's due....

This video for Wright Image's recently held DAYDREAMS event is epic. The production quality is crisp, clear, and very engaging.

PJ Wright and the rest of the Wright Image crew deserve all the praise I'm sure they have been receiving for elevating the production quality of Jamaican events.

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