A very strange trend began to emerge toward the end of last year: I began to attract pastors...and not for Bible study.
Sorry Maxwell and Aubrey, it's not funny.
At the moment I have at least 3 suitors that lead or are part of the leadership team for Christian congregations in Jamaica. These aren't your typical snake, pervert preachers either.
They are charming, spiritually grounded, sophisticated, intelligent, and above all honest (I actually typed attractive first and deleted it so as not to seem shallow LOL).
Their honesty about their romantic interest doesn't extend beyond themselves, and of course the object of their affection, but they are honest nonetheless. I understand how much they have to lose should full disclosure be their new modus operandi and so I can forgive their discretion with their flock.
Is (open) male homosexuality anathema to the Christian church? Redundant question, I know, but seeing it in front of me forces me to engage the issue and not dismiss it out of cynicism.
Can a priest or preacher lead his flock while drawing inspiration from the euphoric experience of my cock?
Forgive my vulgarity (I'm usually so genteel, I swear!) but you know that's where your mind goes the moment you think of male homosexuality.
The act is more prominent than the spiritual connection of two males.
And for me, with these men in particular, it is the spiritual connection which is more intriguing to me. My fascination with the Law of Attraction and my aversion to the idea of mere coincidences makes me inclined to believe that it is my yearning for deeper spiritual and intellectual stimulation which has allowed these kindred spirits to manifest themselves in my life at this point along my journey.
I am dissatisfied with how things are going, my own personal and intellectual development, and have a desire for more and as a result I am presented with choices. Portals that I can choose to enter or continue along the corridor I have been ambling along for the past season of my life.
I realize that I am not indecisive, just stubborn. Obstinate to the point of self-sacrifice so as not to upset the relative peace I am content to have found.
I would hate to become one of those serial monogamists that flits from relationship to relationship because a better opportunity or more interesting person appears in their life. I like very much the idea of stability and long-term happiness that I believe can be achieved from determination and working on it with your partner.
But what do you do when you meet someone that solely encapsulates everything you could ever desire in another and that makes your partner seem.... obsolete?
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1 comment:
First, I totally didn't follow the last line.
I comment as someone who's been erotically engaged in some form or fashion with men of the cloth -- ones who seemed to have considerable integrity, even as they struggled with the practical necessity of the closet's hypocrisy; and ones who were just nasty men who, to the extent they thought about it at all, saw their sexuality as ungoverned by any spiritual ethics and who, e.g, I would learn had coerced adolescent boys, or would ultimately be murdered for trying one time too many to take sex from a man with little social power.
I comment with some sense of your betrayal of the intimacy of these relationships by blogging about them. Not that I think it's not important to have community discussions about these matters. But not in the first person. And not outside some negotiated safe space.
These are really complicated and sensitive challenges. I feel incredibly protective of men who risk intimacy with me as people of the cloth who are not out; and I treasure their truthfulness, especially when it about their dishonesty or lack of integrity, and their transparency about their conflict. It is so hard to be honest and brave as gay people in institutionalized faiths.
In many ways I am joyed that they have chosen someone as bright and open and ethical and loving as you, because it gives me hope that you will both challenge and love them, and your prize can inspire them to change. And perhaps you are right to not coddle them, as I would, but to hold them accountable.
But who other than them, precisely because they have stake in both worlds, will change the church? And if they cannot find safety in our love, don't we just throw them back to the old routines of predation, denial and shame? And lose that opportunity. I'm not asking you to undertake a missionary love. But I am asking you, who come from a stronger tradition of marronage and double agents than I do, to suckle the traitors, the saboteurs.
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